


I Can't Take the Distance

by mosylu



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen, grief doesn't end, past Caitlin/Ronnie, you just get used to it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 03:27:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13895268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mosylu/pseuds/mosylu
Summary: It's been three years since Caitlin lost Ronnie for good, but she keeps encountering new ways of missing him. Cisco is there for her.





	I Can't Take the Distance

**Author's Note:**

> For the Tumblr prompt, “Where have you been, I was ready to call the police!”

When the elevator dinged, Cisco looked up and jumped out of his chair. “Caitlin! Where have you been? I was ready to call the police!”

She stalked through the cortex toward her med lab, scowling. “For me or on me?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Hey. Come on. For you. Obviously." 

Not for a million dollars would he admit that he’d run a satellite search for sudden plunges in temperature around the city after the fourth phone call had gone right to voicemail.

"Well, you can relax,” she called over her shoulder. “I’m fine.”

He ran after her. “Then why weren’t you answering your phone? It’s nearly noon!”

Actually, he wasn’t so concerned about the time. It wasn’t like they were punching a time clock. But she was sharp and cold and snarling, in a way he rarely saw anymore, and now he was officially worried. Worst-case scenarios tumbled through his head.

“Because I’d turned it off, okay?”

“Okay, that - that’s worse. Why the hell would you turn your phone off with DeVoe and Amunet Black both out there plotting away?”

She sat down in front of her computer and pressed her fingers to her eyes. “Cisco, did you see the date today?”

Hello, non sequitur. “The date? I don’t know, almost April - ” He pulled out his phone and looked at it. “March … twenty-ninth,” he said, comprehension dawning. His heart sagged in his chest under the weight of an old grief.

“Ronnie’s birthday,” she said.

He said more gently, “Why didn’t you text me you were going to the cemetery?” She usually did, just a quick line that would pop up on his phone as he was brushing his teeth or looking for his shoes, and he would know not to look for her for a few hours.

“I didn’t think of it,” she said. “I'm sorry I worried you. I was driving in as usual and I passed the road I take to get there, and all of a sudden I remembered what day it was.” She turned on her computer, re-centering her keyboard on her desk. Her lower lip scrunched up and the corners of her mouth pulled in, as if she was trying not to cry.

He sat down on her extra chair, adjusted to his height. “You’re usually not like this after you go visit him.” Sad, yes. Quiet, yes. Prickly, cold, snarling, no.  

“I forgot,” she said. “Didn’t you hear me?”

“Yeah, so did I. We’re all busy.”

“I’ve never forgotten his birthday. Not once since we first started dating.”

“We’re busy,” he repeated, hooking his feet in the chair’s foot bar and twisting slightly from side to side. “We got a few things going on.”

“It’s only been three years since he died. Why am I forgetting already?”

“Caitlin - ”

“And when I do go there, it doesn’t help. I mean, I stand over his grave and all I can think about is how it’s just holding an empty coffin. I look at that stupid plaque with the date of death that isn’t even right. I leave a stone on the grave, and then I go home again. I don’t feel better anymore. I don’t feel close to him, like I used to. If possible, I feel further away.”

She stared out the window. He tried to think of something to say that would help, knowing there was nothing.

Suddenly, she gasped and spun in her chair. “Cisco!”

He jumped.

“I know what’s happening,” she said, face fierce. “I know whose fault this is. This is Killer Frost. This is something she’s doing. She’s freezing my emotions. She’s making my memories all fuzzy. This is her. And I’m not going to let her get away with it.”

“Wha - ” he said intelligently.

She leapt to her feet. “I know you still have those power dampeners. I need them.” She strode away while he was still trying to untangle himself from the chair.

He raced after her, wondering why this was today’s theme. “Caitlin, it’s not - “

“I need them,” she repeated sternly, whipping open the door to his lab.

“No, you don’t,” he said. “What if there’s trouble? What if we need her?”

“Almost nothing can possibly come up that Vibe can’t handle. I’m not going to risk her doing any more damage.” She yanked drawers open and rummaged.

“Hey! Hey, leave that alone - dammit, Caitlin!” He grabbed her from behind in a bear hug that clamped her arms to her sides. “Stop,” he said. “Stop, stop.”

“Let me go,” she said. "Now, or I’ll give you frostbite.”

He didn’t point out the inconsistency in that. “You don’t need the power dampeners.”

“Yes, I do. What if she steals all my memories of Ronnie?”

“You really think it’s Killer Frost doing this? In your heart of hearts?”

A moment went by, and then she sagged. “Cisco,” she said in a very small voice. “If - if it’s not her, then it’s me. I’m the one forgetting him.”

He leaned his cheek against her shoulder. “Yeah,” he said. “You are. You’re forgetting him.”

Her back jerked as if she’d let out a soundless sob.

“I am too,” he said.

“Y-you are?”

“Yeah.” He loosened his arms and gently turned her around. “Look. We talk about this a lot in grief group. How things get fuzzy, how details slip away, how you don’t think about them as much anymore. And how that’s a kind of loss too, and it hurts. That happens to everyone. No meta shenanigans needed. It’s just that your life has kept moving, and his - you know.”

“Stopped.”

He nodded. “But no matter how out of focus the memories get, you’ll never forget Ronnie. Not really. And neither will I.”

Her eyes searched his face. “You promise?”

“I promise.”

She hugged him hard, fingers digging into his shoulder blades. He wrapped his arms around her again and mumbled shushes into her hair.

After several minutes, she sighed and let him go. “Thanks for talking me down.”

“You’d do it for me,” he said. “You have.”

She studied him. “You still go to grief group? I didn’t know that.”

“Not as much anymore,” he said. “But yeah, sometimes. My brother’s still dead.”

She hugged him again, for him this time. “I’m sorry I didn’t know.”

“S'okay. We’ve all got a lot of other stuff to focus on here.” He tucked her hair behind her ear. “Hey, I know it’s not really your thing, but if you ever want to come, let me know.”

“Thanks,” she said. “To be honest, I probably won’t, but I appreciate the offer.”

He nodded. She hadn’t ever been into opening herself up to strangers, so the response wasn’t surprising. He’d made the offer anyway, just to remind her it was there.

The proximity alarm went off, and they both looked around. Cisco pulled away from her to check a screen. “Just Barry and Ralph. They got a tip about the Weeper and went to check it out.”

Caitlin winced. “I hope he’s not dead. We haven’t heard anything since last fall, and even though we know Amunet doesn’t have him anymore, I’m still worried.”

“Man, I’m worried about everybody who was on that bus, whether we’ve confirmed DeVoe’s got ‘em in his wrong-ass deck of powers or not.”

“Yeah,” she said. “Okay. Let’s go see what they have to say.”

He nodded and they returned to the all-consuming business of Star Labs and the Flash.

* * *

Around five, he dropped into her lab. “Knock knock.”

She looked up. “Hey.” She looked calmer. The Weeper tip had turned out to be a bust, but there was always plenty to command their energy. She’d spent the day sifting through hospital reports - just the kind of fine-grained, focused thing that centered her after a rocky experience.

“Hey,” he said back, leaning against her desk. “So, I was thinking, since it’s shaping up to be a quiet night in the CC, I’d drop by the cemetery and drink a beer with Ronnie. Catch him up on things, you know. Then jump back here for the night shift. You want in?”

She smiled, but shook her head. “I think this morning was enough for me. But you go. And - um - tell him I say hi, okay?”

He leaned over and kissed her temple. “You got it.”

FINIS


End file.
